A Veteran's Journey with Depression

I’m Colter. I’m a Navy veteran, a brother, a friend, and a five-time suicide survivor. At 35 years old, I’ve lived most of my adult life with severe depression, trauma, and chronic pain. For over a decade, I believed that my story would end in tragedy. Today, I’m alive, healthy, and for the first time in years, at peace. This is how I got here.

The Weight of Pain

I grew up in the Bay Area, where my love for reading, animals, basketball, and playing video games began. As a young adult, college wasn’t an option for me, so in 2012 at age 21, I left the Bay to join the military and served five years at the National Security Agency in Maryland.

My depression began in my early twenties, rooted in the physical injuries I sustained before and during my military service. By age 26, I’d undergone multiple surgeries on my spine, hip, shoulder, and ankle. In 2016, a rollover car accident left me with a traumatic brain injury (TBI). It changed everything - my memory, my ability to think clearly, and my sense of self.  

Following the accident, I was medically discharged from the Navy in early 2017. My first suicide attempt followed soon after. What came next were years of loss, failed relationships, and recurring depression. Each time I tried to rebuild my life, something - physical pain, cognitive issues, or emotional turmoil - would drag me back down.

When Everything Fell Apart

Between 2017 and 2025, I survived five suicide attempts. I was living in Arizona at the time with an ex-partner. Because of my mental health issues, my relationships suffered, I lost jobs, and I battled feelings of worthlessness. Even when I sought help through therapy and medications, nothing worked. The treatments dulled my emotions but didn’t touch the deep, relentless pain inside me.

In late 2023, after a psychiatric crisis that involved police brutality during a hospital stay, I reached my lowest point. Arizona was not serving me well – the VA and psychiatric systems there were ineffective, difficult, and harmful to my mental health. So, I moved back to the Bay Area, searching for anything that could help. That’s when I heard about Intravenous Ketamine (IVK) therapy for treatment-resistant depression.

The Turning Point: Ketamine Therapy

In June 2025, I began IVK treatment. IVK is a medical treatment in which low doses of ketamine are delivered through an IV under clinical supervision. It’s been proven to treat drug-resistant depression. Within weeks of my first session, I noticed a shift: a calmness and clarity that had been absent for so long. I wasn’t just “not depressed”; I was able to feel again.

I started processing trauma in a coherent way. My thoughts were no longer a blur of despair. Even during painful experiences, like the death of my beloved dog, Bailey, I could grieve without sinking into hopelessness. I was able to make contact with my feelings and actually process them. This is the biggest gift IVK – and the remission of my depression – has given me.

Living Beyond Survival

Since beginning IVK therapy, I’ve rediscovered joy in simple things like walking, cooking, and spending time with people I care about. I’m learning what it truly means to live, not just survive.

Depression once convinced me that pain was forever. Today, I know that healing is possible. Ketamine therapy gave me the path to access my emotions without darkness and find the peace to move forward.

Why I Share My Story

I share my story not for sympathy, but for hope. If you’re struggling, whether with depression, trauma, or suicidal thoughts, please know there are paths forward. They may not look like what you expect, but they exist. Healing is not linear, and reaching out for help is not weakness.

I would not be able to receive my IVK treatment without VA healthcare. Though the VA has its flaws, I believe it is understaffed – and if it had the appropriate amount of care providers and workers, we’d see more veterans like me get the help they need.  

If my story shows anything, it’s that there’s always something beyond the darkness. And sometimes, that “something” can save your life.

Resources:

• 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline — Call or text 988 for free, confidential support 24/7.

• Veterans Crisis Line — Call 988 and press 1, or text 838255 for immediate help.

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