Observing Military Spouse Appreciation Day

May 10^th is Military Spouse Appreciation Day! To honor those loved ones in our community, Swords’ Executive Director Tramecia Garner shares her experiences as a military spouse and how they led her to the work she does today to advocate and support veterans.  

Tramecia’s husband Anthony served as an Army Reservist, which is a part-time commitment that included attending monthly drills and annual training. After 9/11 happened, he was unexpectedly called to deploy to Kuwait in December 2002 – which changed everything for her and her growing family.  

What was it like to have a spouse be called up to serve?

I was 23 years old and almost eight months pregnant when Anthony was called to deploy effective immediately. The idea of him being called was always in the back of our minds, but because he was a Reservist it was never something we thought would happen so suddenly. He was directed to Ft. Stewart in Georgia while waiting for deployment, and we began to plan what our life would be like moving forward with the little time we had. I was able to push my delivery so Anthony could have a month with our daughter before he was shipped to Kuwait in February 2003.

Being a spouse to a service member is not easy. There is a lot that you give up to make things work, such as consistent employment, friendships, connections to family, and calling a place home. I was so young at the time, and I had no real understanding of what the military was or how it operated. I had a lot to learn in a short amount of time and with little support from the Command. It was a whole new world and navigating it was not without its frustrations. I can see now that there wasn’t enough understanding of the challenges deployments took on those of us who did not have access to an active-duty base to lean on or learn from.

When Anthony returned from Kuwait, he eventually decided to remain in active duty in the Army, working for Reserve units in the Active Guard Reserve Program which he did until retirement. For a short time, we lived on base at Ft. Jackson, South Carolina, which is where I had my youngest child. I then had three young children and found that being on base was no substitute for my family. Anthony’s position had him traveling a lot and our closest relatives were a 3-to-4-hour drive away. The kids and I moved off base and back to Georgia when Anthony’s father became ill. We moved in with him, which was a blessing to be around family who could help me. That support system was crucial. While back home, I was also able to go back to college and complete my degrees and ultimately land an internship at The Atlanta Vet Center during my master’s program.

What are some parts about being a military spouse that you think are misunderstood or go unacknowledged?

I think people are unaware that their neighbors could be in the military – for parts of Anthony’s service, I was living in the civilian community and no one besides my family knew that my husband was deployed. During that time post-9/11, many Reservists and National Guard members were called up to active duty, meaning many spouses and family members in neighborhoods all over the nation were suddenly left figuring out benefits, childcare access, and other resources for military families without the support and camaraderie that living on an active-duty base can afford.

Your husband Anthony’s father also served in the military - did you learn anything from your extended family on how to support veterans as a loved one?

Yes, my father-in-law was a Vietnam combat veteran. I think the main thing I learned from him and our family was to stay positive whenever I talked with my husband during his deployment. My father-in-law understood life in a combat zone and what those back home can do to support a servicemember. He taught me that sometimes it was more helpful to keep things in and wait for calmer times when communicating with Anthony because ultimately it was better for his mental and physical health to focus on the environment around him. It wasn’t easy to follow his advice when I was struggling to keep things together for my kids without their dad at home. No one can prepare you for the loneliness you feel during that time and the hopelessness of not knowing if your loved one will come back. I am glad I did though.

What is the transition like as a spouse whose significant other goes from active military duty to veteran status?

I think that transition was easier for me since Anthony started out as a Reservist. The harder transition was when he came back from his deployment and the life that I had built solo-parenting suddenly had to change to incorporate him. Our relationship definitely changed and later I realized why, but at the time I had no clue what his experience was and just how profoundly it would change both of our lives. After retiring, my husband went to work for the Department of the Army and the federal government – his career after the military still keeps him traveling. From my experience with a spouse in active duty, I was able to utilize those old routines with my kids. When we moved to California and settled down here, it was helpful to have that muscle memory in place.  

What does Swords' work and mission mean to you as a military/veteran spouse?

Swords’ mission to support veterans as they navigate the challenges of post-military life and advocate for their wellbeing is a very personal one for me. When I started working in Swords’ residential programs fifteen years ago, I was drawn to the veterans who reminded me of my father-in-law. He passed away from cancer caused by Agent Orange exposure, carrying a sense that his country discarded him. He never fully readjusted to civilian life, and I see Swords’ model of care to connect with veterans through multiple levels – personally, financially, physically, and emotionally – as the best way to make a genuine impact on the lives of these people who have earned their right to housing and wellbeing.

Our mission to expand our reach to veterans relates to my hope for any future generations of spouses and family members that find themselves in the position I was in. Just like many veterans Swords' serves, who are thrust into civilian life after years of military service, their spouses and loved ones go through a similar culture shock when their significant other is deployed and essentially becomes unavailable. Active military involvement and its demands create a dynamic shift in your relationships with children, friends, family, and each other. My hope is that future generations are better informed and connected so that they know how to get the information and resources they need. There are resources if you know where to look, but there needs to be more outreach to help guide military families in the right direction.

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